What is worth your husband and children?

A friend's wife just took off yesterday - leaving a goodbye note for him and for each of her children, a 1-year old and a 5-month old.

The main reason? She could never give enough money to send to her parents and siblings back in the Philippines, so she, in her flawed logic, decided to leave in order to earn more money to send to her family back in the Philippines. Her overblown sense of duty, as well as her father's demands, call for her to put both her siblings through school, pay off her father's debt and support her parents in luxury, even when both her parents are gainfully employed and has good social and community standing in their town.

When her American husband called her father to tell him what had happened, he thought he was going to get some sympathy. To his surprise, the response was, "Well, if you just send the entire amount for her siblings' tuition (which was about a thousand dollars each), then she'll probably come back. Where is that money anyway? She was supposed to have sent it already. She promised." That was it - no concern for the well-being of his daughter, his son-in-law and his grandkids. The money he's asking for is in addition to an average of $300 that they already send per month to her whole family in that little Southern town.

There's more to this story but I can't write more about it without offending sensibilities. I've seen this happen, time and again, to any small town Filipino woman who marries a non-Filipino. It's almost like their family starts to treat them like a charitable institution that will give them money at the drop of a hat every time they want something, whether it's a necessity, a whim or a luxury. And the shameless guilt-trip laying, the made-up stories that they concoct only to siphon off more money is embarrassing, to say the least. I get asked by many people why their spouse's families are like that. They think I can give them a little more insight because I am Filipino and I know our culture. Everyone hates to talk about it, but it's a harsh reality. And I'm finding myself having to try and explain it to people more and more. Believe me, it's not a great position to be in.

Cobwebs In My Mind

On my way to work this morning in the elevator, I looked up at the elevator screen Captivate network just for the latest news and tidbits. The one-liner that I chewed on long after was, "Chronic pain hampers our memory-making process." It was a sort of a confirmation of what I've been thinking happened to me in my 20s.

My 20s were the busiest, and most turbulent, times of my life. A crazy schedule because of two careers, different gigs and a marriage on the rocks made it all a blur. At that time, I went around feeling like a had 300 lbs. of ACME steel (the kind Wile E. Coyote always tried to use on the Roadrunner) sitting on my chest because of what was happening to my marriage then. Emotional pain was a constant companion, but I somehow managed to function, keep myself busy and find solace and joy in God, my dear friends and work. I remember the highlights and the worst moments, for sure - but everything else seems to have gathered cobwebs in my mind until someone manages to clear it off.

Mom: "I heard from you cousin, V. She and her husband now have a little girl."
Me: "She got married!? When!?"
Mom: "What are you talking about? You sang at her wedding!"
Me: "I did?!"

And I really could not remember a thing even when I saw the evidence - a photo of the beaming bride with me smiling beside her. I have had similar conversations with my friends when I had to dig very deep in order to remember. I assure you, I was not on any mood-altering drug then or at any time - no valium, no Prozac.

I guess the energy my body poured into keeping my state of mind on an even keel then didn't leave much for my memory-making process. I'm not certain it's working that well now, but I think age is to blame this time.

Pants On Fire

Are you a liar? I am, at times.

What causes us to lie?

Laziness?
Cowardice?
Fear?
Shame?
Malice?

Or do we like to tell ourselves that it's kindness because we're sparing someone's feelings? Is it because we feel that the other person can't handle the truth? Are they emotionally or intellectually inept? Would it be better to continually lie to someone and keep them enabled and in the dark or tell them the truth even if it might hurt and give them a chance to deal with it? Like when someone tells me I'm fat, it might sting but then I can lose weight and look and feel better physically. Just please don't let it be the first thing that comes out of your mouth when you greet me! :)

Yeah, we're all guilty of lying, at one time or another, and some more often than others. It's so insulting when we're the one being lied to. We feel disrespected - taken for a fool.

Maybe that's what we should think of before we lie to someone next time.

My Weight According to Everyone

"Fat," Mom uttered when I showed her our new photos - Katy's, our pup, and my latest headshots, which I think were nice to say the least. She also said, "Your dog is so cute." That's it. No other comment was made.

"So, are you fat?," is the first thing that a sister-in-law said when I talked to her over the phone for the first time in three years.

"You got fat," a former schoolmate nicely volunteered after looking over another set of photos.


What is it about Philippine old school ways and their obssession with everyone's weight? It's practically the first utterance out of someone's mouth the moment they see you if you haven't seen or talked to each other for a while. I know it's meant in affection most of the time and I usually take it in stride. However, it can be quite annoying when I'm not having a good day.

I'm not as slim as I used to be when I was in my 20s. I see it everyday.

I get it. Thanks for the concern. :)

The Nerve of Paris

"No! It's not right!"

Tell me, Paris. What's not right - the fact that you drove under the influence of alcohol and endangered other people's lives or the fact that you ignored the law twice after that and drove with a suspended license?

Oh, wait - you think it's not right that you're going to jail? Why is that not right? Is it because you're special? Why, you're Paris Hilton and you are above the law! Your family's wealth can buy you out of any trouble!

"I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things like the men and women serving our country in Iraq and other places around the world."

Now suddenly, you want people to have selective attention and look the other way while you're trying to weasel your way out of serving your jail term - telling everyone to focus on "more important things"? Why, you lapped up and made money out of all the attention showered to you by people and the media before!

When are you and your buddies going to stop drinking and driving - when you've maimed and killed innocent people? Believe me, you'll live with that much longer than a 45-day jail sentence.

If you use the time right, this jail term might actually be the best thing to happen to you. I just hope your parents don't continue to mess it up for you. I hope that instead of teaching you that there is always a way to circumvent the law, that they would go buy themselves some parenting skills. They can certainly afford to do so.