A friend's wife just took off yesterday - leaving a goodbye note for him and for each of her children, a 1-year old and a 5-month old.
The main reason? She could never give enough money to send to her parents and siblings back in the Philippines, so she, in her flawed logic, decided to leave in order to earn more money to send to her family back in the Philippines. Her overblown sense of duty, as well as her father's demands, call for her to put both her siblings through school, pay off her father's debt and support her parents in luxury, even when both her parents are gainfully employed and has good social and community standing in their town.
When her American husband called her father to tell him what had happened, he thought he was going to get some sympathy. To his surprise, the response was, "Well, if you just send the entire amount for her siblings' tuition (which was about a thousand dollars each), then she'll probably come back. Where is that money anyway? She was supposed to have sent it already. She promised." That was it - no concern for the well-being of his daughter, his son-in-law and his grandkids. The money he's asking for is in addition to an average of $300 that they already send per month to her whole family in that little Southern town.
There's more to this story but I can't write more about it without offending sensibilities. I've seen this happen, time and again, to any small town Filipino woman who marries a non-Filipino. It's almost like their family starts to treat them like a charitable institution that will give them money at the drop of a hat every time they want something, whether it's a necessity, a whim or a luxury. And the shameless guilt-trip laying, the made-up stories that they concoct only to siphon off more money is embarrassing, to say the least. I get asked by many people why their spouse's families are like that. They think I can give them a little more insight because I am Filipino and I know our culture. Everyone hates to talk about it, but it's a harsh reality. And I'm finding myself having to try and explain it to people more and more. Believe me, it's not a great position to be in.
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9 comments:
I'm shocked..just shocked!
I can't believe it. What kind of insane person would leave a husband and kids to support a family in philippines even if they're well off??
I have a feeling this is a mixture of post-partum depression, culture shock and just an overwhelmed feeling of responsibility brought on by running a household here with two kids, dealing with the ups and downs of marital life and having to deal with a very demanding and controlling father who's trying to pass on his responsibility in life to his eldest daughter.
I hope she gets the help she obviously needs.
scary coincidence that i am having these sentiments - the sense of obligation - right now although i still don't have my own family to support. i don't know the answer and frankly, i don't know how to deal with it either!
I think the staple of the Philippines is rice and the guilt-trip laying from our elders...lol.
potah, ang kapal nung tatay!!!
i hate it when people lay it on their kids to support them. just bec they're in another country doesn't mean the have to support everyone who's not with them
I was about to say something -- but then AnP said it already (perfectly well, I might add)
(winks at AnP)
kung ako sa kanya, I would petition my parents, so they would know how much work it takes to support themselves here, and let them see how much they would have left to give away to those in PI. Then, let them petition their other children - application fees for visa, airfare, providing housing, processing immigration papers until they have work visa, etc.
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