Year 5

M and I just celebrated Year 5. It's amazing how fast time flies when you are having loads of fun. Of course, it wasn't always easy, especially the first couple of years. It was a time of adjustment -- two cultures, two independent mindsets, two different upbringings, in one living space. It wasn't always "Home, Sweet, Home." At times, it was a battleground of wills. Through it all, we have learned not how to stop fighting, but how to fight constructively.

He has let me know, in no uncertain terms, that emotional manipulation -- women's usual primary weapon -- through words and actions (or inaction) will never work on him. He hates it with a passion. He appreciates straight and honest talk, in a calm manner and responds better to that. And I've let him know that his propensity to not talk about things may buy him some time, but will not make me back down. I have learned to try and say things plainly sans emotionalism, exaggeration or manipulation. He is learning to not hesitate to say what he thinks and feels as it will not elicit any hysteria from me (or so I hope).

Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." We do continue to sharpen each other. Some times are easier than others, but I'm glad it's no longer a sharpening of claws when we butt heads.

One morning, our daily reading together said, "A Happy Marriage consists of two forgivers." We looked at each other and started chuckling. We both have forgiven each other for many, many things. And being the way we both are, we know we will have to be doing more forgiving in the years to come.

His, Hers & Theirs: Our Family

Ours was never the regular family. We were pretty modern by the standards of Philippine society at that time. Even as a young child, I knew our family was different from a lot of the others. Why? My parents have the "His", "Hers" and "Theirs" --- kids, that is. That was unusual. Both parents were married before and had children with their first spouses. But even if the fact is that 3 of my 5 brothers are half-brothers, I never thought of them as such. I never used "His", "Hers" and "Theirs" as a description, unless we needed to get absolutely technical about the whole thing. I was never fazed by it. I actually liked the fact that we were not like the other families. And despite our differences, we really valued each other. It taught me early on that my self-esteem did not depend on conforming and being like everyone else. It opened my mind to possibilities outside what our hypocritical society dictated.

Our parents were really practical in their approach with us too. We weren't brought up on superstitions, "moo-moo", folk beliefs, Santa Claus, tooth fairies, etc. -- those were things we picked up from our nannies and some friends. If we asked our parents about it, they did not hesitate to tell us the truth. They never used those things to scare or manipulate us into doing things. Those were done by our maids! "The moo-moo will get you if you don't..." I guess our parents believed that respect should be your only motivation in doing something, and asking others to do something for you.

Our fights were settled in the same manner. Each child got their chance to be heard in our parents' "court", and judgement was passed. If we were deemed to be at fault, we had to take our punishment without any complaints, or risked being punished even further. The one at fault HAD to apologize specifically for what they did wrong. Any retaliation was not treated lightly. Excuses and rationalizations weren't tolerated. In fact, we risked getting even more punishment if we resorted to it. That formula seemed to work with us because by a certain age, there were no bickerings and petty fights anymore. If we had conflict, we discussed it openly and tried to resolve it. If we couldn't, we just agreed to disagree and closed the topic unless we agreed to bring it up again.

In the short time that my parents were together, I think they did a pretty darn good job of parenting. We thrived in the way they disciplined us, and we loved and respected them for it. Too bad, it didn't last forever. And even then, we were told the truth with no sugar-coating. I appreciated that, because it gave me a chance to come to terms with the truth, the truth that life is imperfect. Be it as a victim of circumstance or a consequence of a stupid thing I did, I have to deal with life's difficulties as they come along.

My parents' time together was short, but the lessons they have taught linger. I hope to learn by their great example, as well as by their monumental mistakes. They never pretended to be perfect nor demanded perfection from us. The sincerity and strength they showed through their human frailty is the example I will always carry with me.

Thinking the Worst

I have found that thinking the worst of people and situations just makes one extremely unhappy and bitter. I'm glad there were enough events in my life when I made the mistake of doing that and it turned out I was wrong. I started to train myself to stop doing it because of how miserable it made me feel, and how it proved to be baseless at times.

Many times, thinking the worst serves no purpose. You start treating people with suspicion which definitely wins you no love and loyalty. Thinking the worst does not speak well of the thinker, either. Ever heard of the saying, "Thinkers are the doers?" I believe that a lot of times, the thinker just projects the thing they would do or say to the other person, if the situation was reversed. We all do glean from our own tendencies and experience.

Sure, there are times when the suspicion has basis given the track record of some people you deal with. In that case, then it may be warranted. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I agree with that, although it's difficult for me to live it. I believe in giving people a second chance, giving them the benefit of the doubt. Why? Because I was given the same chance before, and it has built in me the desire to try and do the right thing. I've been told countless times that I am naïve. I think my naïveté will forever remain. I really believe that people will do the right thing if given another chance. And the few that do, are worth those that disappoint me again and again.

Careful The Things You Say

Has anyone ever told you something and then completely deny it later on when it happens to come up in a future conversation? It's the most annoying thing, to say the least. I usually do not make it an issue. I just try to convince myself that I probably misheard and shrug it off. But there are instances when no matter how much I tell myself that I probably heard wrong, the things said were stuff I never would have known if it wasn't told to me, or the empathy and frustration I felt was so strong that even if I can't exactly recall word-for-word what was said, I remember the emotion it evoked in me. There was simply no way my reaction was in error, especially when the empathy I showed was much appreciated by the "storyteller".

"People might forget what you said, people might forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

When I read that quote from Maya Angelou, it just hit home. I realized that your ears and mind may fail you sometimes, but body memory will not. Our body remembers its reactions to all situations. When similar situations arise in the future, you get this gut feeling. Some call it instinct, some call it intuition.

It bothers me when people take me for a fool and deny flat to my face whatever they told me earlier. Yes, sometimes I do mishear things, but there are times I am certain. What's wrong with just admitting that what was said before was inaccurate? I actually would respect that more.

If you're one of those who are in the habit of saying suff and denying it later on, people are not as dense as you think they are. Sometimes they just choose to be non-confrontational. It doesn't gain you any respect though by hoping to make them feel that they've just lost their faculties. The only thing that was lost was probably their trust in you.